Aliens, Tin Foil, and Corks

For those of you who haven't heard, this coming October 14 has been designated as International Contact Day. According to psychic Blossom Goodchild, she has been given the privilege of channelling messages from a group of extraterrestrial beings calling themselves the Galactic Federation of Light (GFL). Seven days from now, these visitors to our world will disengage the cloaking device on one of their flying machines, making it visible to all mankind. Fear ye not, for they come to bring the peoples of Earth a message of peace, love, and hope. Isn't that grand.

To get the poop on this story visit
http://www.blossomgoodchild.com/.

You know what, I'm not holding my breath, but I am taking a few precautions....just in case. To obtain knowledge on how to personally protect myself against such an alien invasion, I have decided to look into documented cases of close encounters and how the majority of Hollywood portrays such events. Why Hollywood? Simple, movies are real. It didn't take me very long to realize that during next Tuesday's event, the chances of having my mind controlled and my anus probed were quite high. Since being sodomized by an alien invader supersedes mind control, I decided to concentrate on the prevention of that first and foremost. The problem: what can be done? Well, since these beings are far more superior, I figure the best bet is to try and delay the inevitable. My solution: a cork and some duct tape. If they can't find your anus, they can't probe it. If anything, it should buy a little time to maybe think of something else on-the-fly.

That brings me to mind control. The first thing one might think about to aid in combating this type of alien projection is the construction of a tin foil hat, but upon further investigation, it doesn't seem to be a very good idea. Apparently, a group of MIT MythBusters have taken it upon themselves to analyze the effects of radio-frequencies on this type of covering. To my surprise, the use of such a foil helmet can actually amplify certain key frequency ranges reserved for government use. Although such a hat still might be beneficial, in light of the new evidence, I have decided to substitute the tin foil hat for a Louisville Slugger.

To get the poop on the MIT experiment visit http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/

In conclusion, my advice for surviving the upcoming alien invasion would be: pop a cork in your anus and secure it with duct tape, stay in your basement or cellar if you have one, be sure to keep on hand a radio and flashlight with fresh batteries, think happy thoughts, and "Swing away Merrill, swing away!"