Aliens, Tin Foil, and Corks

For those of you who haven't heard, this coming October 14 has been designated as International Contact Day. According to psychic Blossom Goodchild, she has been given the privilege of channelling messages from a group of extraterrestrial beings calling themselves the Galactic Federation of Light (GFL). Seven days from now, these visitors to our world will disengage the cloaking device on one of their flying machines, making it visible to all mankind. Fear ye not, for they come to bring the peoples of Earth a message of peace, love, and hope. Isn't that grand.

To get the poop on this story visit
http://www.blossomgoodchild.com/.

You know what, I'm not holding my breath, but I am taking a few precautions....just in case. To obtain knowledge on how to personally protect myself against such an alien invasion, I have decided to look into documented cases of close encounters and how the majority of Hollywood portrays such events. Why Hollywood? Simple, movies are real. It didn't take me very long to realize that during next Tuesday's event, the chances of having my mind controlled and my anus probed were quite high. Since being sodomized by an alien invader supersedes mind control, I decided to concentrate on the prevention of that first and foremost. The problem: what can be done? Well, since these beings are far more superior, I figure the best bet is to try and delay the inevitable. My solution: a cork and some duct tape. If they can't find your anus, they can't probe it. If anything, it should buy a little time to maybe think of something else on-the-fly.

That brings me to mind control. The first thing one might think about to aid in combating this type of alien projection is the construction of a tin foil hat, but upon further investigation, it doesn't seem to be a very good idea. Apparently, a group of MIT MythBusters have taken it upon themselves to analyze the effects of radio-frequencies on this type of covering. To my surprise, the use of such a foil helmet can actually amplify certain key frequency ranges reserved for government use. Although such a hat still might be beneficial, in light of the new evidence, I have decided to substitute the tin foil hat for a Louisville Slugger.

To get the poop on the MIT experiment visit http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/

In conclusion, my advice for surviving the upcoming alien invasion would be: pop a cork in your anus and secure it with duct tape, stay in your basement or cellar if you have one, be sure to keep on hand a radio and flashlight with fresh batteries, think happy thoughts, and "Swing away Merrill, swing away!"

Shame On Me

Being a juvenile delinquent that never officially grew up, I tend to laugh at things I shouldn't. Here is an example. Do you happen to remember the 21 year old wheelchair-bound Michigan man that managed to get his "ride" stuck to the grill of a semi truck? Yea, I laughed at that. I am very glad that this young man wasn't hurt, he could have been killed, but the very first picture I saw of the incident was this:
By now, most of you probably perceive me as an uncompassionate a-hole, and you might be right, but the first thing that came to mind was the look on this guy's face and his shirt: "I'm a Pepper". I am not poking fun at this young man's choice of clothing, and I would most definitely wear that shirt, but the look, combined with the popular slogan and situation, made me laugh. I give this guy all the credit in the world for enduring what he had. He traveled a distance of 4 miles at a speed of 50 miles per hour, stuck to the grill of a semi truck in an electric wheelchair! That would have been a hell of a ride! To look at him, he looks more disgusted than scared. I'll be the first to tell you: I ain't no hero. If that were me, it would've been a bad day to have not remembered to put on my Huggies. Before anyone would have attempted to unhitch me from that grill, I would have been taken on another ride: a trip to the truck stop for a good power washing. Guaranteed!

And Now For Something Senseless

Looking for something to entertain yourself? Have you ever dreamed of making a towel chicken?
Today is your lucky day!

Step1. Find a nice rectangular towel. A large hand towel will do. Preferably something chicken colored. Here we have chosen a nice Rhode Island Red.

Step 2. Lay the towel in a landscape format and roll the left and right ends to the middle.

Step 3. Fold the towel in half with the rolls facing out.

Step 4. Pull the center of the rolled ends out slightly so that the corners of the towel are exposed. Pinch the ends of the two corners opposite each other (opposite ends of the towel in step 1.). Pinch the other two ends as well.

Step 5. Pull apart and........

Bingo! Congratulations Clark! You now have a towel chicken.